I Saw The Sign... I Ignored It.

Written: 6/12/2022

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I saw the sign and…

I ignored it.

Many of times individuals with a chronic illness or health issue are aware of their bodies. Any little change can be detected, and a plan can be put in place to avoid further damage. I’m usually self-aware of my body where I know I need to take a step back and reevaluate. This time my stubbornness got in the way, and I am struggling to recover.

I’ve never been SO freaked out and scared until the night of Saturday June 4,2022. My worst fear came true and put me in a fight or flight response.

Let me set the scene and inform you of what led to this moment of the unknown.

The week prior was a long and exhausting week because I was preparing for our local dance studio recital. I have been a part of these recitals since I was 5 years old. I didn’t get Monday Memorial Day off from dance practice because we still needed to finalize our routine. I knew that night after I got home that the week was going to be a rough one. There were red flags everywhere and my body was putting a sign up basically saying “SLOW DOWN!” Well, stubborn me didn’t listen.

Tuesday was a long day of tech and rehearsal which required lots of just standing and sitting around. Wednesday and Thursday were the roughest days because of long rehearsals and learning what needed to be moved or added the stage. Not to mention dancing and keeping students under control until their time to practice. After those rehearsals I would get home late and sit on the couch watching my foot spaz out and cramp up so much it hurt. It was a rough few nights and very minimal sleep due to pain.

 

I also had another factor that came in play which made pain levels skyrocket. On Thursday while being captured in our dance routine things got a little out of hand that another dancer ended up backing into my left leg (pain factory) and kicked me just above the ankle. I didn’t realize it until I got home and started to relax for the night. It felt like I sprung my ankle on top of my spasticity. It hurt to walk and before I went to bed, I kept thinking to myself after 30 years of dancing maybe I finally broke my leg. Luckily the Tylenol and tiger balm eased the pain and helped me heal quicker. I ended up with a huge, bruised bump but I kept going.

We ended up calling practice on Friday which was scheduled to be a day off. I probably should have taken the day off. We had to come up with a dance to fill a song that was used so quick changes could be made. I was already at a 7 out of 10 with pain level but it didn’t stop me from learning a fun teachers dance which I got to dress up as a shark for. That night was rough because the cramping and spasticity in the lower legs was intense. I cried most of the night and my husband tried to convince me to take a muscle relaxer (you have to take 8hrs prior to your wake-up time). I was already cutting the time frame close, but I was neglecting the taking care of myself. We are still navigating through the use of these new muscle relaxers, and I didn’t want to be affected by the relaxers, so I refused taking it. In reality I should have taken one instead of being strong.

Saturday approached quickly even after a long and tiring week. It was extremely long because we were doing two shows back-to-back with maybe 2hour break in between. Show time is when I put my all into entertainment. It’s my life and I love to be on stage. After the first show I wasn’t feeling the best. I was feeling lightheaded and over all weak. I had a feeling that round one was only a start to how my evening would end. I even knew that the instant change of temperature in my body was a factor into the equation. Heat instantly aggravates my MS symptoms, and I was warm to the touch. My mother-in-law even asked after hugging me... “ Are you okay?”.

The second show went well but I could feel my energy leave my body quickly. By the time we finished I knew I needed to go home, get makeup off and try to rest. I exited the scene asap and made it home by 9:30pm. Got home and ready for bed. Sat on the couch with my husband who took care of my son all week and just tried to wind down for the night. That’s when things started to unwind…

I was mentally prepared for the muscle spasms to occur in the calf and foot like it had done all week. Then the unexpected happened. The involuntary muscle spasms moved up the leg into the thigh and hips. It has never gone past my knees. That is a NEW symptom. Not only did it happen in my left leg, but my right leg decided to join in on the action. It was the most annoying and uncomfortable feeling. It was just constant muscles contracting. After a few minutes of watching the entire leg do its thing then it started to contract and not release in the entire leg. It was a major Charlie horse that locked my entire legs up to the hip where I could not walk. I thought that trying to get up and move around would help. My husband tried to help me but the more I put weight and pressure on my legs the more it would contract and lock up. Crying from pain and knowing the unknown I decided then that it was time to take a muscle relaxer which I am not a fan of doing. I was so far past my comfort zone and freaked out that I was unable to walk.

Leg Spasms/Spasticity 6/5/22:

My worst fear is not being able to walk or dance. That night brought my fear to reality. I can't imagine what my husband felt like not knowing how to help other than be there to hold me. I honestly cannot thank my lucky stars enough for the care and love from my husband. He has seen the worst and most of my painful nights. No matter how much I struggle he says he will always be by my side, and we will get through this together. The entire leg episodes have only happened that Saturday 6/4/22 and following Sunday 6/5/22. Since then, I still struggle with my normal leg pain from the knee down and I can walk again. Sunday evening, I already was prepared for what could happen, so I wasn't too frightened but still concerned. I laid in bed next to my husband spasming out. I am pretty sure I was rocking the bed because my body was involved. I even told my husband that I should be in shape and toned by the end of the workout that my muscles where showcasing.

I informed my MS specialist to keep her in the loop. This can be common with patients that deal with MS. The combination of muscles spasms and spasticity are more tied into activity (some by increased activity and some by immobilization like long car rides). It's not due to MS inflammation which I battle with constantly. Staying proactive and ahead of the problem is the best solution. When I know that I am going to be doing something strenuous to make a game plan. It is something that I will have to work on. Right now, I am still trying to recover. Just doing a simple walk with my family is pushing the limits. Thankfully my MS doesn't flare up until the evening which allows me to deal with my problems without interfering with my time with my toddler. I am trying to be there for my son. I honestly feel like I am being pushed back when I am trying to so hard to keep moving forward. My MS keeps knocking me down, but I am fighting with every fiber in my being to get back up. I don't know what I am doing, how I trigger my MS or what to do but we are working together as a team (MS specialist and family). I am blessed to have a supportive group of people.

As many know I am not one to rely on medication if I don’t need it. I don’t even like taking Tylenol or ibuprofen when I have a headache. Learning to accept that it’s okay to use a muscle relaxer every once in a while to give my body a chance to recover is challenging me emotionally and physically. There always seems to be something new lately.

I am thankful that I was able to make it through the week and both recitals despite the pain I was experiencing. I know that I was part of the problem by the way I ignored everyone (family and doctor) who said that I needed to slow down and most of all not listening to my body. I take full responsibility for my actions. I desperately wanted to prove to myself that I could be a part of something and walk away with no consequences. Like I said... " I saw the sign, I ignored it and it definitely opened up my eyes." Lessons and consequences have been delivered but I hope that I can put my pride to the side so I can make better choices before I overstep the line that has been drawn on the ground. My MS is challenging me and pushing the limits and I won't give in. I need to ask for help more often and accept that it is OK to say " NO". I cannot save the world no matter how much I try. I had a blast being a part of my local dance studio recital and LOVED being able to entertain. It’s my life and I will continue to fight so I can do what I love and do best… DANCE.

Every day is a BLESSING!

I chose to NOT GIVE UP!

I AM ME!

I will continue to GROW!

I am STRONG!

I can LIVE my DREAMS!

#RENITASTRONG

I am the INEVITABLE MS DEFYER

WATCH ME!!!