A Day Within My Mind...
Written: 02/10/2022
THOUGHT #2:
Many conversations with my fellow MS warriors involve the topic of wearing masks. I am not talking about wearing masks like we have been acquainted with during the pandemic. I am talking about how we as individuals with a chronic disease have different versions of ourselves to hide the true identity of our disease.
We watch many movies that have a masquerade ball where the main character shows up wearing a mask, but no one is able to identify who that person is. The plot thickens as the other characters work hard to try and identify the mysterious individual. Only a few individuals that are close to the main character know what is going on. This is the world that I live in, and many others can relate.
My house is my safe place, and it is where we have worked hard to make a calm space with little to no drama. Inside the house walls is where I am the truest individual and nothing is hidden. I break down and cry. I let go and feel the pain that I try to hide. I know that I can walk, crawl or be lazy without the fear of someone watching me struggle with pain. This mask is the most vulnerable. It is my least favorite and sometimes I wish that my husband didn't have to see it as often as he does.
Once I walk outside my house my mask of pride and courage is placed upon my face. This mask is used to hide and cover the pain. You may be asking why to hide? Everyone has some kind of challenge going on in their life but that doesn't stop them from being able to live life. My biggest fear is letting people down. Our masks can change according to each situation. It depends on where our comfort levels are. We try hard to be 100% attentive to a situation but in reality, we are sitting at 50% bobbing up and down for the other 50. The energy it takes to try and explain something can be too much for some.
We don't use our different masks as a way to be secretive from others. It is more of us protecting those around us. Individuals with a chronic disease are trying to make ends meet so they can get some joy out of their current situation. When I was first diagnosed, I wore a mask that I am pretty sure became a solid piece of who I have become today. Courageous. Once you are diagnosed you have to grow and learn to be brave as you learn that your life will welcome multiple tests and possibly medications in order to balance your life out. I had to be brave enough to tell every single person that I have MS. It is nothing to be ashamed of and will be a part of who I am. The masks we chose in specific moments are masks that we feel most comfortable with at that time.
Take a moment and look around at those you see on a daily basis. Do you put on a mask? If so, how does to affect those around you? You don't have to have a chronic disease or something going on to be the mysterious individual in the party. Just be you.
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