This Is Me...
Written: February 23, 2018
Majority of my life I grew up thinking that I needed to be the best role model for kids, teens, and even for some adults. I was always afraid of disappointing someone. I grew up dancing and teaching at my local dance studio. I can still remember how hard I worked at showing the dancers the importance of going to school, doing homework and being an active participant in school sports. I honestly chose to not date until I was 21 and in college. I always had a fear that young girls would see me differently and think that I was weak. I had to be strong and not distracted from boys. You may be thinking why would you be scared? It is part of life and growing up. My life has been one of a kind with losing a father at a young age, living with an amazing single mom who did everything to ensure that her kids succeeded, to even being lucky to attend college through scholarships and loans. I still remember my mom telling me that she would sit with other moms who talked about their daughters and struggles they had with their children. My mom would say something about me and the other women would say " You don't have a daughter, You have a Renita." That is who I want to be and will continue to strive to be.
http://www.iliketoquote.com/i-am-best-at-being-me/
Shortly after I wrote my last blog and posted it, I kept asking myself did I do the right thing? I just told the entire world or those who wanted to read my blog what I have finally been diagnosed with after all these years. What will they think of me? I was depressed for a good 2 to 3 days shortly after. I was completely surprised but all of the positive and supporting comments received yet I continue to second guess myself. Still to this day I struggle with looking people in the eyes to really see what they are thinking. I walk around town now with sweaty palms and a racing heartbeat because I fear who I am going to run into and what they have to say. I have met a few people that I have had to tell in person and the look of sadness upon their face after I say " I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (MS)" is rough to accept. I have set such high standard for myself that I have to learn that it is okay to show weakness but that doesn't mean that you are giving up. Not every conversation has to talk about my health. I may be experiencing some health issues but that doesn't mean that my life has to be about it 24/7. I am strong enough to continue living life to the fullest. I know that this is a game changer but that does not change me.
I have had some very inspirational individuals in my life these past few weeks and they gave me such positive and reassuring information. A good friend of mine that I had the opportunity to have lunch with this past weekend told me you don't have to slow down. Go dance if my heart desires. I may not dance full out like I used to, but I can find other ways to reunite with dance. I will begin to understand what I can and cannot do over time. Life is about the challenges, and you have the chose to continue or give up. I chose to continue. I just watched a video by Lyn Delmastro Thomson who is a Certified Bodytalk Practitioner called " You are not your diagnosis." This video really spoke to me and made me realize that I am still " Renita" and always will be. Just because I have been diagnosed with a chronic disease does not mean that my new title is MS. My title does not include MS unless I am working in a school which in that case, I am Miss Renita. I can choose to surround myself with positive vibes and better myself. I know that I am not the first person to experience this, and I will continue to move forward one step at a time.
http://www.myniceprofile.com/quotes-51575.html
After a long 2 weeks of fighting with insurances, pharmacies and doctors I have finally got my medication which I was lucky to start on Saturday February 3rd. The only common side effect that I struggle the most with is " Flushing ". Let me clarify the term before many of you think of a me constantly flushing a toilet. It is an involuntary (uncontrollable) response of the nervous system leading to widening of the capillaries which cases redness in the skin. On day one I happened to be in a car when it all started and it through me for a loop. I have never had something like this happen. I remember telling Beau pull over and let me out because I was over heating and my body felt like it was on fire. My entire body turned red and all I kept saying is "I can't do this". I like to think of it as my hot flash but in extreme mode. I have been lucky to not have as bad of the flushing the last couple of times, but it isn't a fun feeling. My poor skin is so sensitive now. I can tell now when I am about to have a reaction because my face burns and it feels like my hair is growing. On the positive side I can start taking a baby aspirin with each dose which will lessen the chances of a hot flash. I think my biggest fear going into town is having one of these reactions and everyone asking me if I am okay. I don't have control over when it happens. It just appears at random moments.
I saw the MS specialist on Wednesday February 7th, 2018, in Bend, OR. My husband Beau and I made a day trip to spend an hour and 20 minutes talking with the doctor. We basically went over the same information that we were given in January by the neurologist. We were told that there were no support systems in Klamath at this time, but I did find out that there were about 15 other individuals in Klamath who travel to see the same specialists. We were given information as to where we could find good resources such as books, DVD's etc. The doctor did mention that they are looking for someone to start a local MS support group in Klamath if it was something I was interested in. I think that she must have gotten that vibe from me that I like being a leader. Beau and I are going to actually try to attend one of the support groups in Bend and see if it is something I would like to put time and effort into. I know that there are so many of us out there and with the world being so small we are bound to cross paths. Our next visit to see the MS specialist will be May 11,2018 where we will check if the medication is working.
Beau and I have come to an agreement that having MS does not stop me from doing what I like to do. You would be amazed at how many other individuals are MS warriors and still living life to the fullest. Just because you have a medical diagnosis that does not stop you from living the world that you design. I still dream, I have goals and I will continue to reach them. It may not have been the easy route like I wanted but I have conquered so many different obstacles already and I am ready for what comes my way. I will continue to live my life with the title as " Renita" and not "MS". I will always be a silly, adventurous, entertainer that will conquer the world one twirl at a time.
Time to leave you with this last thought... Beau and I had a date night shortly after my last blog and we went to see the show " The Greatest Showman" in theaters. I know that I was already on the emotional side, but this show made me tear up a couple of times. If you have not seen this movie, I highly recommend that you do. This movie was an eye opener and a major inspiration to me. It spoke to me. It helped me heal my wounds and be stronger to pick myself back up. All of the songs were upbeat and very moving, but this one song hit me the most... "This Is Me" Please take a moment to listen to it is you have not seen the show. I dedicate this song to every warrior out there no matter what you may be struggling with. You are a warrior and no matter what you are who you meant to be. Be strong, don't let anything break you down. You may feel like an underdog to the unplanned life events, but you can fight it. You are brave and never be afraid to be you. Be you and Be Proud!
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